I Think I Can… I Think I Can…

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Published February 10, 2011 - 11 Comments

And remember, ice is your friend…

Gotcha.  I think I can remember that.  Everything seemed pretty straight forward.    Take it easy. No heavy lifting for a few days.   Take the pain pills as required.  Bring in a fresh sample after 6 weeks, and again after 10 weeks.  Make an appointment to see the doctor for 12 weeks to make sure that everything is fine.  In this case “fine” meant “shooting blanks”.  No problem.

I lay there on the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the doctor to come in.  This was the same man who had driven a large camera up my penis last year in an effort to figure out if I had a bladder problem… so I was quite familiar with his work.  I’d been told that the pain from this procedure wasn’t really bad.  I expected last year’s cystoscopy to be worse.  I was wrong.

You’re going to feel a little pin prick.

Yup!  Felt that!  Most certainly felt that.  But it wasn’t too bad.  Then the cutting began.

Just let me know if you feel any discomfort, and we can add a little more freezing.

Sure thing…  ARGH..  Pain.  Pain.  Pain.

OK, we’re going to add a little more freezing.

A few seconds later I was still grabbing the bed with both fists, and gritting my teeth.

You can still feel that?


Another little bit of freezing, and he tried again… same result!  He seemed quite surprised that I could still feel pain.  Apparently he wasn’t as familiar with my boys as I was.  They’re a sensitive bunch.

The male nurse suddenly came up to the head of the bed and started grasping for questions to ask me, obviously attempting to take my mind off of what was going on… as if telling him what I did for a living was somehow going to lessen the pain of having my vas deferens severed.  But I gave him an A for effort.

What do you do at the telephone company?  Do you think we’ll ever see a time when everyone is using cell phones?  Do you have any winter hobbies?  Do snowmobile, or ski?  Does your wife work?

Even the doctor got in on the action…

What’s better, Blackberry or iPhone?

At this point we were only half done, and trust me… I considered whether or not maybe I’d just take my chances with the singular vasectomy.

The other side wasn’t much better.  He had to use additional freezing a few times, and seemed surprised that I could feel the pain.  I was just about ready to tell him to just lay on the freezing!  I don’t care if I’m numb for a week!  Just give me everything ya got!  But then the cutting was done, and I could feel him stitching my back up.


The whole thing was done in about 15 mins.  Quite amazing, actually.  It takes me longer to get dressed in the morning sometimes.

The drive home wasn’t too bad.  I was a passenger, as I’m not allowed to drive myself afterward.  We stopped to fill my prescription for Percocet.  I’ve never had anything as strong as those before.  So far I’m just taking the extra strength Advil.  I’m saving the Percs for when I wake up tomorrow and realize that I want to die.   I’m off work this entire shift, which is probably a good thing, as I might be flying around the office if these things are as good as I’ve been told.

And they were right…  ice is definitely my friend.  My boys look like small grapefruit, complete with bruising.  And one of the side effects is that huge balls make everything else look tiny!  Not a good look for me.

In 12 weeks I find out if it was successful or not. One thing’s for certain… whether it is, or isn’t… he’s not going back in there!