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A Picture is Worth…

Published March 3, 2011 - 6 Comments

I sent this out over Twitter earlier, but I realize that some people still insist on living in the Dark Ages, and don’t tweet… so for those people, I thought that it was funny enough to write a blog post too!

I finally got a call from the company Health and Wellness people today to discuss my application for Short Term Disability… (ironically, I think they abbreviate it as STB rather than the obvious… no one wants to be on STD…) The guy was looking over the form that my doctor had faxed in, and he said “Hmm… that doesn’t look like fun… so is it safe to say that “pain” was the primary reason you couldn’t attend work?”

I said “Yeah, something like that… I took some great pictures if..”

“Oh that’s ok!” he cut me off quickly with a laugh.. “I’ll tell you right now, you’re approved! No need to send me any pictures!”

Awww…. but a picture is worth a thousand words!

Life’s Outlook From the Viewpoint of the Bed

Published February 21, 2011 - 6 Comments

I don’t think that I’ve ever wanted to go back to work so badly.  OK, not true.  There was one other time that I was unable to work that I really wished I was back there… far more than right now.  But still, at this moment in time, I really wish that I was back to work.  Or. more accurately, I wish that I was healthy enough to go back  to work.  I don’t necessarily miss being at work… I just wish that I was in good enough shape that I could make the decision as to whether or not I wanted to be in attendance.  If anyone thinks that this is a great vacation… I’d love to switch places with you for a day.

So today I took a new picture.  It’s Day 12, and there is a significant improvement from the infamous Day 5 picture that I sent out last week.  It’s funny, you don’t really notice a huge change day by day… but when you look at two pictures side by side… well then there’s a huge difference.  Today the bruising actually looks more like bruising, and less like everything is simply dead and waiting to fall off.  Instead of black, it’s a combination of purple and blue with yellow at the edges… so that’s a good sign!

Pain wise, things are almost no different.  I’m still confined to bed.  I still switch ice packs regularly.  If I get up to use the bathroom, I am still in considerable pain by the time I get there.  If I’m laying down, the pain is almost non-existent… unless I move my legs somehow and squish parts that should not be squished.  Then I’m fighting tears.  But what I have noticed today that is a good sign… it used to be as soon as I stood up I had horrible pains as gravity took over and everything was pulled down… now I can almost make it to the bathroom before the pain becomes intense.  So the level of pain hasn’t changed at all, but it seems to take longer for it to hit me.  I’m hoping that means that something is healing inside… although the swelling is still there.  I’m very lopsided…

I’ve had a lot of time to consider things in my life.  There’s not too much to do while laying in bed.  I don’t seem to want to read.  I don’t really watch too much TV.  Thankfully I have my laptop and iPhone, so I don’t feel cut off from the rest of the world.  I tend to sleep way too much, and I don’t know if it’s a combination of all the different medications that I’m taking, plus boredom, plus the fact that I’m IN BED… My sleep schedule is a complete mess.  I’m just as likely to be awake at 3am as I am at 3pm.  I haven’t even really decided if I should be trying to keep myself on schedule, or just go with it… my body is in pain.. if it wants to sleep all day, then let it…  maybe that’s the wrong attitude, I really don’t know.

I’ve had a little disappointing insight into some areas of my life.  Chances are, if you’re reading this, it doesn’t pertain to you.  Recent events have really pulled the curtain back to expose the illusion… and that’s unfortunate.  But maybe it’s for the best.  I was under the assumption that certain things were one way… when obviously they are not.  I’m still the outside looking in, and maybe it’s best to be reminded of that.  Oh well… their loss.. not mine.

Oh, and in case anyone was wondering… remember that xx days Coke free?   Yeah… that went by the wayside as soon as this entire vasectomy disaster unfolded!  I rely on the sweet stuff to get me through… which reminds me, I think that it’s time to send the roomie to the store before it closes…

Did He Just Send me a Picture of His Penis?

Published February 19, 2011 - 0 Comments

One of my best friends lives in the USA, and we don’t talk as much as I wish we did.  He doesn’t read my blog.  He doesn’t use Twitter.  He prefers to actually TALK, so…

I sent him a text message today, and he wrote me back saying that he was driving to his sister’s place in upstate New York, and was wondering if he could call me this weekend… he asked what my schedule was like for the weekend…

I laughed, and txted back “My schedule is pretty open!  I’m on bed rest.  You need to glance at the blog or twitter once in awhile”.

He obviously had no idea what was going on.  He tried to call, but didn’t have my home number.  So I txted it to him… and then I sent another txt with a picture I had taken at Day 5…

A couple of hours later he reached his sister’s house and called me.  It was a funny conversation…

Hutch: “So I’m driving down the highway, and I get your txt with the phone number…  and then I get another txt… and I’m looking at it while I’m driving and thinking Did he just send me a picture of his penis?  And what’s wrong with it?  Who has be been with, and what does he have???”

Yes that’s right… I have the bubonic plague on my penis… or at least that’s what it appears to the untrained eye.  🙂

He said that before he called me he went to the blog to see what was going on, so he was all up to speed before my phone rang.  I laughed when he told me what was running through his head as he was driving.  I can just imagine!

Good friend.  🙂

You’ve Got a Bleeder!

Published February 17, 2011 - 4 Comments

Yup.. that’s what the urologist told me when he turned around and saw me laying on the bed, exposed in all my glory.

It was a bit of a relief.  Yes, it would go away on its own.  Yes, it would continue to hurt for awhile longer.  Yes, I needed to stay in bed and not do anything to aggravate it.  No, I was not going back to work until he cleared me… a minimum of two weeks from now.

It certainly could have been worse.  As calm as I’ve been over the last week, I’ve still ran dozens of different scenarios through my head… and not all of them had happy endings.  This bleeding problem didn’t seem to faze the urologist at all.  Let it run its course… look, there is some yellow bruising already, so it’s starting to recede.

He prescribed me some antibiotics, and I mentioned the percocets were getting a little low, so he wrote another one for those.  When he told me that I couldn’t go back to work, I mentioned that they had been pretty good up until then, but if I needed another 2 weeks off, chances are they were going to require some paperwork.  I wouldn’t want my boss thinking that I was out joyriding in this beautiful February weather.

Sure enough, not only do I need paperwork, but the company is also placing me on short-term disability.  That kinda sucks.  I believe that will cut into my pay, but thankfully it’s only one paycheque that’s affected.  (I hope)

And… although I’m still in a considerable amount of pain… the good thing is that I’m no longer worried about my boys falling off in the middle of the night after becoming dead husks…  that unpleasant thought has been running through my mind almost constantly since last week!

Tomorrow We Get Some Answers…

Published February 17, 2011 - 3 Comments

I like to use the Royal “we” a lot…   no one else really needs answers, except for me… although there are certainly people who are just as curious about what’s going on south of my equator as I am!

Today was considerably more painful than any of the days prior.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.  If it keeps up, it will definitely give the doctor something to work with tomorrow.  My appointment is at 11:30, so you can expect to see something posted in the afternoon.

I sent my boss an email today warning him that it was extremely unlikely that I would be back to work for Saturday.  In fact, I can really see me taking the entire shift off again.  And anyone who thinks that this is a great way to get some paid time off work…  umm… no….   those people who have seen the pictures know what I’m talking about.  It ain’t pretty.  Today I spent almost all my awake time laying in bed on my left side, because to do anything else hurts quite a bit.  Getting up is excruciating.  Sitting on the toilet makes me want to cry.  Oh, I did manage to fall asleep in the bathtub today.  It was rather soothing.. everything floats so there’s very little pressure.  Gravity is NOT my friend.

Off to dreamland now.

Thanks for reading!

Complications After Vasectomy

Published February 13, 2011 - 7 Comments

This post might make people cringe, so if you’re a little squeamish, I suggest that you skip this one entirely.

Today is Day #3 after having my vasectomy, and I would love to report that things are great… unfortunately that would be a bit of a lie.  The bruising and swelling continues to grow.  Until tonight, I was dealing with the pain strictly with Extra Strength Advil.  About 30 mins ago I popped my first Percocet ever.  I’m still waiting for it to kick in.

Last night I started looking on the internet for what a typical vasectomy recovery might look like.  I’d say those men were pretty damn lucky!  I didn’t see anything that even looked close to what I have!  A little cut here, perhaps a tiny bruise there.  Where was the massive swelling and the gigantic black bruise?  Well, in order to find those pictures, you need to refine your search a little.  Vasectomy hematoma does the trick!  I started looking at the pictures, and reading some of the testimonials.  Yup…  that was me alright!

I’ve been taking pictures so I can compare the changes on a day by day basis.  I’ll spare the general public with those, but I found a website that shows someone who was remarkably close to what I am currently experiencing.  The bruising pattern is very similar to my own, although I have more lower abdominal bruising that essentially connects to the swollen and black scrotum.  You can view that website here, but remember…  it is graphic.  I talk about it openly because it is what it is.  No one has to read this post, but maybe someday it will get picked up in Google and someone else who has a similar experience will read it and gain some value from it.

So what happens next?  From everything that I’ve read, I can expect the swelling and bruising to go down… eventually.  The urologist told me to contact his office, my family doctor, or the emergency room if I ran into any serious problems.  I think this qualifies, so on Monday I will give his office a call and see if I can go in.  There probably isn’t much that he can do, but he needs to be aware of it.  I’m sure that he’s going to chastise me for not paying attention to his instructions.  I’m not too sure what I could have done better.  I haven’t been overly active (no surprise)… no lifting… laying on the couch… minimal movement… not much sitting… using ice packs… I think the one thing I failed at was not wearing snug underwear to support my scrotum.  I wanted room for them to move because they were sore from the surgery… well, I think that was the exact opposite of what they needed.  Whether that was the cause of the hematoma or not.. it certainly didn’t help matters.  So tomorrow I’m sending Paul into the drug store to buy me a scrotum support thingie…  that should sufficiently embarrass him…

Waiting for the 2nd Percocet to kick in…

Snip Snip

Published February 10, 2011 - 11 Comments

And remember, ice is your friend…

Gotcha.  I think I can remember that.  Everything seemed pretty straight forward.    Take it easy. No heavy lifting for a few days.   Take the pain pills as required.  Bring in a fresh sample after 6 weeks, and again after 10 weeks.  Make an appointment to see the doctor for 12 weeks to make sure that everything is fine.  In this case “fine” meant “shooting blanks”.  No problem.

I lay there on the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the doctor to come in.  This was the same man who had driven a large camera up my penis last year in an effort to figure out if I had a bladder problem… so I was quite familiar with his work.  I’d been told that the pain from this procedure wasn’t really bad.  I expected last year’s cystoscopy to be worse.  I was wrong.

You’re going to feel a little pin prick.

Yup!  Felt that!  Most certainly felt that.  But it wasn’t too bad.  Then the cutting began.

Just let me know if you feel any discomfort, and we can add a little more freezing.

Sure thing…  ARGH..  Pain.  Pain.  Pain.

OK, we’re going to add a little more freezing.

A few seconds later I was still grabbing the bed with both fists, and gritting my teeth.

You can still feel that?


Another little bit of freezing, and he tried again… same result!  He seemed quite surprised that I could still feel pain.  Apparently he wasn’t as familiar with my boys as I was.  They’re a sensitive bunch.

The male nurse suddenly came up to the head of the bed and started grasping for questions to ask me, obviously attempting to take my mind off of what was going on… as if telling him what I did for a living was somehow going to lessen the pain of having my vas deferens severed.  But I gave him an A for effort.

What do you do at the telephone company?  Do you think we’ll ever see a time when everyone is using cell phones?  Do you have any winter hobbies?  Do snowmobile, or ski?  Does your wife work?

Even the doctor got in on the action…

What’s better, Blackberry or iPhone?

At this point we were only half done, and trust me… I considered whether or not maybe I’d just take my chances with the singular vasectomy.

The other side wasn’t much better.  He had to use additional freezing a few times, and seemed surprised that I could feel the pain.  I was just about ready to tell him to just lay on the freezing!  I don’t care if I’m numb for a week!  Just give me everything ya got!  But then the cutting was done, and I could feel him stitching my back up.


The whole thing was done in about 15 mins.  Quite amazing, actually.  It takes me longer to get dressed in the morning sometimes.

The drive home wasn’t too bad.  I was a passenger, as I’m not allowed to drive myself afterward.  We stopped to fill my prescription for Percocet.  I’ve never had anything as strong as those before.  So far I’m just taking the extra strength Advil.  I’m saving the Percs for when I wake up tomorrow and realize that I want to die.   I’m off work this entire shift, which is probably a good thing, as I might be flying around the office if these things are as good as I’ve been told.

And they were right…  ice is definitely my friend.  My boys look like small grapefruit, complete with bruising.  And one of the side effects is that huge balls make everything else look tiny!  Not a good look for me.

In 12 weeks I find out if it was successful or not. One thing’s for certain… whether it is, or isn’t… he’s not going back in there!