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You Look Horrible

Published September 26, 2012 - 1 Comment

“You look horrible”.

Why thank you for your honesty…

That’s what Dr Lisa told me as she was taking some readings and trying to listen to my phlegm-filled lungs.  I can’t be sure, but I think she was trying to tell me that I’ve looked better.  But as bad as I may have looked, it was how I sounded that was really worrisome.  I’ve never had such bad coughing bouts as I have the last 2 weeks, and it was all I could do to answer her questions without coughing thick gobs of guck in her face.  I even had to ask Jess to drive me to my appointment because I wasn’t confident that I could drive without taking a bad coughing bout, which sometimes leads to dizziness and a feeling of nearly passing out.  Bad enough when I’m holding onto a wall for support… Not so good in a SUV heading down the highway.

Lisa confirmed what I already knew.  The antibiotics that the clinic doctor had given me were proving ineffective in my case.  This was no simple infection.  She prescribed something stronger, gave me a neat little puffer thing to blow steroids into my lungs, and ordered me to go to the hospital and have chest X-rays performed… and a test for whooping cough.  Huh?  Yeah well… just a precaution.  And she gave me a few masks, telling me that I’d need to put one on as soon as I entered the hospital.  Nothing says “Look at me!” quite like a guy sporting a surgical mask… but I think I pull off the look quite well.

Have you ever been tested for whooping cough?  No?  Well let me give you a sense of the fun you will experience if you ever find yourself in this position.  They want to test your mucus, which is great, because I’ve got plenty of that!  But taking it from a tissue would be too easy.  No.. they want the real good stuff that’s hidden in places you don’t even know about.  The respiratory technician explained it to me.  “I need to push this small tube up into your nose quite far.  It’s not painful, but it’s not very comfortable either.”  OK.. that doesn’t sound like much fun at all… but compared to the camera they once shoved up my urethra to look at the inside of my bladder this should be a piece of cake.  She was right.  It was not a pleasant experience.  That tube went up my nose, and then curled into my mouth somehow.  It lasted only a couple of seconds and when it was done, I waited for my lollipop.  Apparently there was none.

Today Dr Lisa called me to tell me that the X-rays confirm “extensive pneumonia” in my left lung.  The whooping cough test results aren’t back yet, but rest assured… public health officials will be in contact if that comes back positive!  I picture a scene from the movie Contagion in my living room.  She asked me how I was doing today with regards to eating and sleeping.  She’s concerned by my lack of appetite for the last 2 weeks, where I’ve been lucky if I ate more than 3 or 4 gingerbread cookies for the entire day.  (But hey!  At last count, I’m down 13 pounds!)  And drink.  Lots.  Every 15 mins.  Water, juice, even pop… just to get the fluids into me.  This will be the one and only time that my doctor ever tells me to drink Coke… and you know what… I have no real appetite for that either.  I bought some ginger ale because that’s supposed to be good for my tummy… but I wasn’t interested in Coke at all.  That tells you how in the crapper I feel.

So right now the plan is to stay home.  No work.  No exertion.  Plenty of rest.  Plenty of fluids.  And if I get worse at all, then it’s straight to the emergency room.  Which would really suck.  I have a thing with hospitals.  I’m sure that most people do.  But I’d really rather just cough up a lung here in the privacy of my own place, than do it there.  So if that means drinking every 15 mins… so be it!

Speaking of which.. my water glass is empty.


Interesting Blog Searches in 2010

Published January 18, 2011 - 0 Comments

I’ve poured through hundreds of search terms from Google Analytics, and narrowed the list down to my favourite 20 or so.  I have to laugh when I look at the things that people are searching for in Google and get pointed to my blog.  People have A LOT of spare time on their hands!

There were the usual searches for the Yahoo Airmiles toolbar being broken, the PC Children’s Charity Cameron Bear, and the Unfriendly Giant… But I was looking for some truly unique searches, and this is what I found.  In no particular order, these are some of the exact search terms, spelling mistakes included:

  • i hit a crow windshield omen  What?  OK, sure, I blogged about hitting the stupidest crow ever with my car, and mentioned that there’s probably a curse on me now… but hard to believe that someone actually went searching for that particular term… I really wish that they had left a comment on the blog!
  • donair dreams  I love my donairs.  I do.  But do I dream about them?  Umm… no…   Apparently someone does though!
  • plenty of fish sucks  This really isn’t all that unique, but I wanted to illustrate that I am not alone in my thinking that the “World’s Largest Free Online Dating Site” has some work to do.
  • quarter-pounder guy  I’ve been called a lot of things in my lifetime… come to think of it, quarter-pounder guy may have even been one of them!  I hope that whoever was searching for this term found something of use on my blog!
  • all i want for christmas is my bp check  This one is a little weird… I know that I was writing a series before Christmas called “All I Want For Christmas Is…”  I guess someone really wants some money from BP.  I can only assume that they’re affected by the tiny oil glitch in the Gulf.  I hope that Santa didn’t disappoint!
  • blog titles for bad vacations  I don’t know about you, but I didn’t have a bad vacation last year.  I guess someone must have, though!
  • can i see a cystoscopy being performed on a man  Umm….  ewwwwwww…
  • corrythegreat  No idea who Corry is, or why they’re great.  I can see StephentheGreat being a search term, but this one baffles me a little…
  • cystoscopy man video  OK, what is the fascination with shoving a camera up a man’s penis to explore whatever is hidden up there?
  • luxury living  Yeah, I’m guessing whoever was searching for this didn’t stay on the blog very long.  There ain’t no such thing as luxury living here!
  • making cystoscopy tolerable  At least this one makes sense.  My suggestion.  Rum.  Lots of rum.  And a couple of cute nurses.
  • modesty in childbirth  Haha… Good luck with that!
  • moncton tire being slash  Wasn’t me!  I didn’t do it!  Great grammar, btw…
  • my dynes tv is making a funny smell is that bad  First of all, it’s a Dynex tv.  Helps to get the brand name correct.  Second, yeah… a funny smell is probably not a good thing.  Did you really have to go to Google to find out?  Maybe you shouldn’t have a tv.  Open a book instead.  Something with pictures.
  • no modesty during cystoscopy  Ain’t that the truth!
  • smurfs characters  Ah, here we go!  Did I mention that Katy Perry is doing the voice of Smurfette in the new 3D movie coming out?   🙂
  • sobey’s chickpeas  I can only assume that there is a girl somewhere nearby flooding Google with crazy chickpea searches.  Just a girl…
  • sytycd bum dance  I remember this one!  Nice bum!  🙂
  • what is it like to live in saint john Let me sum it up in one word… COLD!
  • when can you eat lady ashburn pickles  Any time you feel like it!  As long as there is another jar on the shelf, and you’re not just eating them with cheese.  Please… show some respect for Lady A.
  • where did the saying squab, squab, squab  Despite the poorly worded search term, I actually understand what they were searching for!  Remember the Two and a Half Men episode about Squab?  I do!
  • why is jessica lee singing “good to you” and not kate voegele?  That is an excellent question!  Do let me know if you ever figure out the answer to that one.  While you’re at it, why not ask the boys at Marianas Trench why they chose to make such a horrible video for a beautiful song.  I’m sticking with the Kate version.  It’s amazing.

Well there you have it, folks.  Those are just a few of the weird and wonderful search terms put into Google that were directed to my blog!

Curious to see what next year brings.